Hot Pink Sweater

Feb 17

She was both the art and the artist.
– Kingfisher Lane by Grant Gosch

Dear friend,

Have you tired of how often I ask what artist/mother’s you admire? Fatigue no further! I now know what I’m really seeking when I ask this question;

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Self. I have in mind who an artist/mother is, and I’m trying to be her.

I began asking what artist/mother’s you admire when I was pregnant because I needed verification that you can be a present mother and a practicing artist simultaneously. My own mother is an artist, but when I was the age that my daughter is now she was working at a bank. I have no recollection of those years and she hadn’t yet partaken on her artist journey. Even if that wasn’t the case, I’d still be asking everyone because I’m so intrigued by relationship dynamics and what motivates women when they make their life choices. The reasons are consistently layered, in response to a prominent woman in their life (even if subconsciously), and often universal. There is opportunity for great healing in these layers for me.

Anyway, the consensus I’ve gathered over many conversations with mothers and artists alike is that often when an artist first becomes a mother, they’re not practicing art as they knew it for the first couple of years. An artist is exuding all of her energy instead to the nourishment, safety, and financial security of their child. For artist/mother’s who’s financial security IS making & selling their artwork, I don’t know how they’re doing it. They don’t have much time for an interview with me.

A range of emotions is felt the first few years of child raising, from contentment to turmoil, based on personality, external circumstances, and family history. Looking back from a vantage point not too far away from the experience of having my first child, I land near turmoil. Much of what I’m writing, making, envisioning, discussing, has much to do with my healing & recovery in response to the turmoil endured.

It hasn’t been a comfortable place.

I had worked so hard to build a creative career that would hold me safely — financially and developmentally — and I was terrified of losing my career momentum for the vision I’d had with the life that was growing in my womb. I was trading certainty for uncertainty. I needed to know both artistry and motherhood could exist, at the same time, because I didn’t know who I’d be if it didn’t. I just knew I wouldn’t have any money.

I fought like hell to make it all work until my body screamed at me ENOUGH! We are not doing this anymore. She gave me an ultimatum: I had to choose between a salary and my sanity. I chose sanity and then I second-guessed it for the better part of a year.

It doesn’t look like other new mothers need to choose either/or, I thought. What’s wrong with me that I can’t juggle both like they are?, I berated myself. My boss didn’t take me seriously when I expressed my workload wasn’t sustainable, saying none of ours are…how was that helpful? I had an endless loop of fragmented thoughts keeping me up as the baby slept and then I’d be up when the baby was awake trying to make sound decisions for her. This also wasn’t sustainable. It felt like a lose-lose situation.

The tumult is WHY I write this letter.

I think I will find the answers about art, motherhood, and healing as I write them. As they unfold. I think the answers are me, living, and trying out a bunch of different things, relaying to you what I discover.

The truth is, when I quit my job with a 1-yr old and no career prospects around the corner, my biggest fear came true: I did not know who I was.

A very good place to begin, indeed.

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