Fall Raw
I struggle with commitment. There's not a logical reason for it, it's really just letting fear of the unknown take up more space in me than living in the moment does. It's one of the reasons I'm so blessed to have Joel in my life, why I stop myself when I start bitching about student loans & now, why I can say I didn't give up on my year-long personal project, Feelings of 2014.
It's a commitment I made to myself & I think that's why it feels so monumental. As a girlfriend, I make the commitment to be the best partner I can be to Joel every day. As a daughter, sister & friend, I make commitments to show up more often (physically & emotionally). As a designer, I make commitments to deliver beauty & results to my clients weekly.
But this one, this one was for me.
The experiment involved internalizing a chosen feeling for 3 months to represent each season this year. I let the word consume me & show me new perspectives. I made discoveries, decisions & theories because of them but mostly I dug up lots of questions & curiosities.
Spring: Faith
Faith brought me to the revelation that I wasn't meant to spend only a lunch hour's worth of time taking care of my psyche. The whisper inside me, "What is my purpose here?", started to roar. Faith answered softly, "Honey, you gotta go find out." It coddled my battered ego in the greenhouse & showed up when I begged for a seat at the Bloom Workshop after it had already sold out (I got in by some form of a miracle).
Summer: Warrior
I was guided to exude my inner warrior & felt like a goddess all summer collaborating with the sweetest creator & sticking to my stillness ritual every morning. I started saying how I felt instead of what I thought people would approve of. Then, I felt shame. Not worthy of this warrioress inside me. Who was I to feel so good? I kept discovering more & more of the unexpected in me with each season & while it guided me to new internal heights, it also scared the shit out of me. Doubt consumes if you let it...& I let it. But I'm kind of liking this whole committing to the present thing so my final feeling is less about aspirations & more about right now, this moment.
Fall: Raw
Uninhibited mixed with clarity of self. Sweet honey & sour milk. Being splashed with a mud puddle while you're wearing a white dress. Hollowness in anticipation of being refilled. The rugged terrain of making love stay. My final feeling of 2014 is begging me to let down my guard, daring me to relinquish control & making me realize daily that the unknown is all I've ever known.
How do you feel? Love, E.
