The perils of Instagram
Dax Shepherd made a statement that stuck with me on the latest episode of Armchair Expert. He said when we try to mimic other people’s formula in order to be liked, it’s a quick way to failure. You won’t strike a chord with anyone because you’re not being you.
It was related to his acting journey but it resonated with me with my writing. Somehow writing on this blog morphed into thinking I had to be an influencer on social media. It became about trying to do what I thought other people liked of me. My value was dependent upon a heart emoji.
I started blogging before Instagram took off. There weren’t widgets yet to connect your Instagram feed to your blog. I didn’t think it’d get to me or make me question myself as it has.
But it got to my head. Especially when my audience was growing & my value was being validated by responses to an image. It was more difficult to stay true to what I enjoyed writing about because how & what I like to write about isn’t very interesting.
So what Dax said really struck a chord because I think a lot of people go through this, many times in a life. You’re noticed because you’re different, then liked because you’re the same, & it’s easy to get caught in between this battle of self. Especially if you’re someone who doesn’t like to disappoint people.
Art as escape
Art was an escape. It called to me after I became a mother.
This was my friend’s response when I asked her out of pure frustration: how oh how does she juggle motherhood & art.
There’s a lot of literature on fathers who continue creative pursuits through their child-rearing season but I’ve struggled to find much from mothers that don’t fall dull or aren’t the mother goose version of their quotidian life.
Being smack dab at the beginning of mine (quotidian life, that is), my guess is it’s because mothers are too exhausted & frazzled to commit the time to their art. What a luxury it was. My brain literally cannot find the words for things right now. I talk, write, think in a jumble right now.
I still crave my creativity. Even in the middle of this exhaustion, this exhilaration. Right now that means monthly picture books, Christmas cards, letters to a pen pal, an environmental book club, starting a shade garden before the first frost, & coming up with a myriad of silly faces, noises, & games to get my little one to smile.
Maybe that’s why mothers have such good stories they share after their childbearing years — there’s a whole lot of inspiration when you’re just living your life.
Begin again.
What if I published my writing every day? A question I’ve asked myself half as long as I’ve been blogging.
the time is never right. I’ve made this excuse year after year. I’ll start in January. I’ll start on my birthday. I’ll start randomly & tell no one. I won’t start at all because it’s a bad idea & I’ll fail. Or I’ll be interrupted. Or it will stress me out & I’ll quit another project. Again. Or I’ll get bored. & quit. Or it’ll leave me unfocused on what I care about. So I’ll quit.
Obviously, the trending fear here is that I’ll quit.
just like my very first post 7 years ago: to begin, begin. And in this case: to begin again, begin again.
we’re living in a time where everyone makes grand gestures for little things. My daughter will have more pictures & letters written to her from me during the first months of her life than she’ll ever care to sift through. We celebrate the teeniest of milestones. Brushed my teeth today. Buy the same exact toothbrush I use to have the life that I have. Everything has to feel like “an event”.
this practice leaves me drained, out of tune with the point of gathering & making things, & feeling like I can never keep up with the Joneses. There are too many Joneses.
but enough bitching. Was just jumping back in to ask the question, “what if I published my writing every day?”
30
Thirty: the year of relinquishment. In only the most optimistic, freeing sense.
Pushing through & demanding victory at all costs does not heed the desires I have any longer. I enjoy winning & beating everyone but my dad at HORSE in basketball but this isn’t what I mean by resignation. I mean melding into the new person I’m becoming. having little expectation this first year of a new decade. Nothing grand. Not quite “back to the drawing board” & not quite “full steam ahead”!
I want my family healthy, celebrations modest, & our hearts full but not at the expense of others. Not a pause but a silent reworking.
Shifting like sand on a breezy day. when walking the dune gives question to your location on the way back through. the path shifted while you were in awe of the lake in front of you.
Relinquish:
+ rules no longer fruitful
+ traits no longer defining
+ goals out of habit
+ the constant search for balance
make room for old traits with a new outlook. Daily. I geared up for surrender to what was meant for me last year when I alluded to a “ghost year”. It brought me a harvest moon pregnancy, a step towards an environmentalist career, a strawberry moon baby, deeper depths in love, & an *almost* debt-free existence.
relinquishment to myself - Emily Grace, let it unfold. These untouched layers yet within you. You thought you knew it all. The path for you. The goals to reach. Yet you kept finding when given the fork in the road, you were pulled to paths you’d “never” take. It was there you started finding yourself.
keep your eyes open but observe right now. old things have revived with new outlooks. Relinquish control of the outer, so you can listen to your inner. There is so much more to explore.
no need to chase it. The path will continue showing itself to you. Have faith.
August | Life Lately
Life lately in tune with the monthly full moon cycle. Includes current books, music, & lifestyle recommendations.
Happy August Full Moon! If you’ve been here a while you know this is my favorite time of the year. This August I turn 30. Plenty of reflection going on as I enter a new decade. A decade that always felt so far off. I can barely keep up with how much change has happened! A little 10-pound ball of sweetness & smiles may have something to do with that also. Redemption by Warsan Shire hit home for me this month. Watch Beyoncé read the poem. It’s a million times better in spoken word, especially from Queen Bee for Lemonade album.
Every Mother is a Working Woman tee by The Bee & The Box
My 30th birthday | Like many people’s plans for celebrations this year, my 30th birthday has been watered down to the essential. Joel had grand plans to rent a boat on Muskegon Lake for family & friends to watch the sunset over the lake. It was going to be mermaid-themed everything; outfits, drinks, hors d'oeuvres. Then we got pregnant. Then the pandemic hit. Now it looks like my birthday will be the 4 of us safely alone at my in-law’s cottage with a pontoon ride in the middle of the week (fingers crossed!). My parents gifted me with a beautiful concrete mermaid for the pollinator garden I hope to have next year. Mermaid; the symbol of transformation. Joel asked me what I wanted last weekend on the lake & I said a bonfire with my closest people all around. By the time we reached our porch, they were all there. The fire was started. It seems I got exactly what I wanted after all. If that isn’t the lesson of 2020, my Goddess, what the hell is.
The fourth trimester | I knew it’d change my life when I became pregnant last year but I had no clue it would be such a tectonic shift. Our baby girl has changed what I prioritize. My values, identity, interests, all of it. Each day I am a Mother, I’m convinced the fourth trimester needs to be 100% dedicated to babe & mama for presence, growth, healing, & development. This time has been a blessing. Every woman should have the right to paid maternity leave with fair standards in place when a woman returns to work. The United States is the only developed country that legally doesn’t have to pay women on maternity leave with a handful of other maternal injustices. Why aren’t women in a collective upheaval? Probably because they’re so damn tired raising children while being the matriarchs of their families. I’m in the middle of researching a lot on this topic & what can be done.
WNBA 2020 Season | I’ve started watching the WNBA again. I played basketball my entire life then got away from it in my 20’s. What better time to focus on my love for the game than this new decade after bringing a baby into this world during a pandemic?! Ha. I patiently wait for my body to be ready & for the pandemic to be over to get some pick-up games going at the park. In the meantime, I’m watching the WNBA. $17 for a WNBA league pass to watch all the games through September. Not only are these women top athletes but they’re using the entire 2020 season to protest the social injustices in our nation. To keep the conversation going about Breonna Taylor & Sandra Bland. Each game presents a platform to raise exposure to these systemic issues. The best part? This is nothing new for the WNBA. they’ve done this all along. It’s what happens when you have a group of badass women playing for something bigger than themselves.
Currently
Reading | Braiding Sweetgrass by Robin Wall Kimmerer
Listening | The Michelle Obama Podcast
Watching | Expecting Amy by Amy Schumer
And with that, this is my last full moon monthly post. 36 moons later I’m ready to hang my hat on my monthly documenting of our life lately in tune with the moon. It has been a wonderful three years of trying new design styles & writing formats through my love for the moon. I’ve found fellow moon lovers because of this series & gotten much more in tune with the moon through my research, the rhythm of the phases, my menstrual cycle, & so much more. The moon, of course, isn’t going anywhere. And I will continue to look up to her all year round like I always have. You can see all full moon posts here.
As always — Happy Full Moon, friends! xo, Em
July | Life Lately
Life lately in tune with the monthly full moon cycle. Includes current books, music, & lifestyle recommendations.
Happy July Full Moon! Our baby girl is here! She came right when she wanted to, not a minute sooner or later. I’m so proud of her. Every year when the July Thunder Moon rolls around I think back to the first full moon party we hosted when we first moved to our little lake town. I made a ton of cheesy moon-themed decorations and snacks with a moon-inspired playlist. The bistro lights hung off the back deck, chairs around the bonfire. But as its name suggests, a thunderstorm rolled in so we all ended up drinking beer in our messy, humid garage watching the rain pour on the pavement. It was magical. This is my favorite time of year.
The fourth trimester | We’re in the heart of the fourth trimester with our little one, and all that entails. A lot of healing, recovery, rest, learning all about being first-time parents, asking for help, really really needing help! Every day we learn our daughter more & more, and the transition gets easier in little ways. It’s this wild ride of time moving at a snail’s pace, and moving lighting fast, all at the same time. Some days I can’t catch my breath & other days I have the most clarity about my life, purpose, our marriage, family, & all the layers in-between.
Fourth of July | Our 4th of July looked a lot different than in year’s past. For a decade we’ve gone North for Bode family time at the lake, the annual Greatest Fourth in the North 5K, & parades on the golf cart. This year we were home as sleep-deprived new parents trying to figure out what our little girls cry meant, just grateful to step foot outside for a few minutes at a time. We started the Taking Cara Babies Newborn class which has been super helpful learning what a newborn wants based on their cues & ways to create an environment for them to sleep comfortably. It was the first day in 2 weeks we had over 2 hours of sleep at a time! We celebrated with margarita popsicles while watching her sleep on the video monitor. Oh, how our life has changed!
Slow summer at the Moon Lodge | We anticipated this being a very slow summer, even without a pandemic on our hands. The first couple of weeks with a newborn was probably the hardest to transition into an even slower pace than we were already in the Spring. Summer is truly our jam, we wait all year for it. It’s the best time to live near the lake. So we had a little selfish FOMO we’ve been working through and keep reminding ourselves that this is one summer that we’re not doing what we would usually do. Plus, these quiet moments with her are so precious, I’m already missing them even while I’m right in the middle of them! I started writing again near the end of the month while she naps. It’s a dream come true, a vision unfolding.
Currently
Reading | Born a Crime by Trevor Noah
Listening | Trevor Hall playlist on Spotify
Watching | Agent Carter on Disney+
Honestly, it’s weird writing this full moon post. To you reading it may appear as everything is smooth sailing. One month we’re waiting for Baby, the next we have Baby. This past month has been anything but smooth sailing. As I write in this consistent pattern from one moon to the next as I have for 3 years, I’m not the same person I was 4 weeks ago. I’m not the same woman since they laid my little one on my chest & she looked immediately into my eyes. I’ll never be the same, thank Goddess and my goodness. You can see all full moon posts here.
Happy Full Moon, friends! xo, Em
Black Lives Matter
Artwork by Quentin Monge
This past week has been a whirlwind of emotions. Listening, researching, self-reflection, talking about the white policeman David Chauvin murdering the unarmed Black man George Floyd & the wave of nationwide protests that have rightfully followed. The murders of George Floyd, Ahmaud Arbery, and Breonna Taylor have shown as a mirror my reflection of complacency to speak against injustice.
See current news source for more details here, here, & here.
I regret not saying Black Lives Matter openly earlier. I tip-toed around it when expressing how the 2017 Women’s March inspired me to act on women’s issues. I was close to saying it in full during the 2018 Fall 10x10 Challenge when the #10x10representationmatters conversation opened my eyes to minorities in the sustainable fashion industry. It’s taking much inner work to dismantle why a statement I believe in is difficult to vocalize. I think it stems from my unconscious biases.
I fear the people I’ve hurt most with my negligence to vocalize their lives matter are my Black friends. I rationalized they don’t want to hear it from me, but don’t we all want to feel seen & loved by our friends? Especially our friends. I like to say I live by the moniker “actions speak louder than words.” Actions might speak louder than words, but words must first talk to turn up the volume that is action.
I’ve become hyper-aware of my responsibility to make lasting changes in my life as a first-time mother (my daughter is due next week). To teach her and live by example, I have a lot of unraveling to do. The people around her are crucial to her growth in being a conscious, empathetic, informed, and compassionate human being as well.
It starts with words. Let us steadfastly hold one another accountable for the actions that must follow. We can do it together. Grace & patience for our inevitable missteps, but once we know better, we must do better. There is an urgency to begin now. For my family and me, I desire the long game of anti-racism (please click the link for the definition even if you’re uncomfortable). To foster a safe, just, and equal world for our children different from the world in which we grew up.
Who I’m listening to:
Brandy Gueary of Authentically.B — Brandy is 40 weeks pregnant & due any day now. I love following her pregnancy & Dr. appointment updates. She recently talked about self-reflection & having grace for people as we navigate how to dismantle racial injustices. Especially while pregnant needing to keep a healthy mental mindset for baby amongst the chaos & national unrest.
Erica Chidi — Erica is the author of Nurture: A Modern Guide to Pregnancy, the pregnancy book I’ve found the most helpful so far. She writes like a warm hug. When you’re scared & anxious about how the baby will come out & how the baby is about to change your life, she is the person to listen to. She has a digestible list of books by Black women authors with an encouraging note to white women on how to navigate internal & external discussions on racism. She also spoke to prioritizing mental health parallel with anti-racism work to avoid burn out & not to place the responsibility of learning as white women onto Black women who are not offering. This is DIY work.
Vote — Short-term change can be made at the next election. State primaries in Michigan are in August 2020 followed by the presidential election in November 2020. Former President Obama gives me hope & a starting place to make real change with resources from the Obama Foundation: Anguish & Action.
June | Life Lately
Life lately in tune with the monthly full moon cycle. Includes current books, music, & lifestyle recommendations.
Happy June Full Moon! I wondered (& secretly hoped) our little girl would join us during this Strawberry Moon but she’s going to hold on a bit longer. We’ve had a lot of family members guess her name is Luna. I received texts this weekend sending well wishes related to the moon & baby. I feel seen, & very full myself. There is a lot of heaviness & awakening opening us all up this week. I have had hyper-awareness & sensitivity to it yet trying my best to balance with the joy & focus to welcome our little girl safely into the world very soon.
Preparing for parenthood | How does one prepare for parenthood? I’m not sure you do but Joel & I have done many things we think will help prepare us. This last week before my due date I keep being told rest, rest, rest. I’m going stir crazy. We have the nursery finished, clothes organized, heck all of the closets in the house organized, the bassinet is assembled, Joel renoed the screened-in porch, the car seat is installed, hospital bags are packed, & so much more. I think of Wale’s song The Matrimony when Jerry Seinfeld t’s up the song with commentary: “It’s like any growth. You can’t be ready for it because it’s gonna be new. You’re gonna have a new life, you’re gonna be a new person.”
100 Days of Blue Mind | To counter the anticipation I have about this “new life”, I’ve joined Wallace J. Nichols’ annual Blue Mind Challenge. For 100 days — Memorial Day to Labor Day — blue mind is a daily practice to focus your attention on the water surrounding you or to intentionally seek it out. From lakes to rivers, oceans to your water bottle, water is an essential part of our daily life. I’ve taken its healing powers for granted but the magic of water keeps showing up for me in very symbolic ways lately. The timing is divine. I’m journaling about it privately for now but a lot of fellow water worshippers are sharing their challenge here if you’d like to join. Katherine from Lake Effect Co. has a great description that inspired me to join here.
Black Lives Matter | As I’m sure many of us are doing, I’ve been processing the murder of George Floyd & the avalanche of progress & tension the resulting protests have created. Especially through the lens of becoming a mother, raising a white child, & the responsibility that entails. Regardless of the inner work I’m doing, I stand with the movement in both gratitude that there is a collective microscope on our nation’s deeply rooted inhumane issues and grief that it has taken so long to get here. Our generation has the power to make real change for a better world. I’m feeling called to Intersectional Environmentalism & how I can be of impact in my town.
Currently
Reading | Blue Mind by Wallace J. Nichols
Listening | Cream & Sugar: Rest by Black Coffee With White Friends
Watching | Shine On with Reese
I love the moon so much because she is a constant. When I look up at her I feel a connection to the deeper meaning of life & how we are all connected as humans on this planet. Sometimes it is simply unexplainable & I don’t even try to define why I love the moon so much. It is an energy I feel not a logic to put language to. I will never get it right to everyone I meet — maybe a mantra for everything; social justice, motherhood, family ties, friendships. But the inner work of self-love will exude to the outer work. The moon’s light reminds me of this. Try, try again. You can see all full moon posts here.
Happy Full Moon, friends! xo, Em
May | Life Lately
Life lately in tune with the monthly full moon cycle. Includes current books, music, & lifestyle recommendations.
Happy May Full Moon! I’ve enjoyed the front row view of Spring emerging in our neighborhood. Watching the buds on the trees begin to unfold. People have had a more acute interest in the moon lately. We all live beneath the same One. There’s something to rely on. This is the last moon cycle before we meet our little girl. Removing anything nonessential to her best interest is my priority right now.
Preparing for Mamahood | As much preparing as one can do for something they’ve never done before. There are two camps of Mamas at this stage; one prepares for every possibility not realizing the scenario they didn’t think of is probably the one they’ll be presented with. The other has little to no desire for preparation at all deciding they’ll figure it out once it’s in front of them. I am in the first camp wishing I was in the second. Pregnancy is a big ole mirror you can’t look away from. So I wash her onesies, her little bloomers. I fold them, unfold, refold again, and surrender into this wave. Ready or not, I am so excited to hold her.
Spring 10x10 | I finished a 10-day style challenge just in time before my belly outgrew most of the items. I’ll probably be wearing most of Joel’s clothes from here on out. It was a nice routine to get through another stay at home extension and bring more color into my wardrobe. More than the clothes I enjoyed knowing 5 other women were doing it with me. I don’t know what people are doing right now but a handful of us suited up in denim jackets at the same time to face our days.
Boat | We got a boat! Getting it ready for a summer on the lake. Where will your newborn be, you ask? Snoozing in the closed-bow cuddy, of course! Having a boat to putz around the bayous, river, and Lady Lake Michigan has been a dream of ours since we moved here. We’re a few maintenance projects away from her maiden voyage. My neighbor told me what BOAT stands for — Bring Out Another Thousand — so we’ll see how it goes. The way Joel’s face lights up every time he sees it out the window makes it all worth it. Can’t wait to get it out on the water!
Currently
Reading | The Spirit Almanac: A Modern Guide to Ancient Self-Care by Emma Loewe & Lindsay Kellner
Listening | Stevie Nicks Radio
Watching | The Last Dance
I love how the full moon and Mother’s Day are connected this year. When we found out we were pregnant we couldn’t have known milestones would fall on meaningful moon phases & holidays. What has shown up has been what we’ve needed. I’ve been brought to my knees in fear and uplifted in joy above my body, often by the hour. I’m trying to hold true and honor this sacred space I’ve been given. I go back & forth between wanting to share my experience in-depth to keep private this sacred time for me and my family. Based on all of the recommendations, notes, & thinking of you texts, there is a group of women who know exactly what I mean. Thank you, Mamas. I have needed you so badly & you have shown up. You can see all full moon posts here.
Happy Full Moon, friends! xo, Em
Spring 10×10: Maternity Edition
My Spring 10x10 Maternity Edition is in the books! It was dedicated time for myself each day amidst a lot of pregnancy preparations. 8 months pregnant proved to be good timing. It was right before my energy started depleting quickly & the aches and pains became more of a nuisance.
I wish I had more maternity clothes this round but all of the dresses made it easier. I daydreamed about trendy spring maternity looks. The physical discomfort and all this staying home triggered it. Oh well, soon we’ll be welcoming our little one into the world & I won’t need any of it.
Considerations
Pregnancy Growth | Now that I’m in my third trimester, this tummy is outgrowing everything. I need pieces that will stretch with me.
Weather | Mid-50’s with a mix of rain, clouds, & hopefully sunny days. Spring comes slowly in Michigan so while I’ve chosen lighter fabrics I still need layering pieces for cold mornings & wet days. I’m not including shoes or accessories in my count.
WFH Environment | I’m back to a work-from-home environment similar to the summer 10x10. It’s nice in the sense that I don’t have any events to plan for but it’s mentally harder to get dressed when you know you’ll be at home all day. All of the team Zoom calls should help with this, I like feeling put together for them.
Goal
I want to be positive and upbeat this challenge. I’ve struggled to celebrate my pregnancy for a myriad of reasons. This phase is soon coming to a close and I don’t want to let the celebration & happiness slip away. I want to celebrate what it means, & what is coming, thanks to my ever-growing bump.
10 items
Dresses
Yellow maxi dress (Nordstrom Rack)
Floral maxi dress (Similar)
Black midi dress (Target Maternity)
Sage jersey dress (H&M Maternity similar)
Tops
Lemon Lime loungewear set (Aerie)
Denim jacket (Anthropologie similar)
White sweater (Similar)
White graphic tee (ASOS Maternity)
Bottoms
Green skirt (Thrifted)
Day 1 Can’t go wrong with a little black dress. I don’t have many maternity-specific items for Spring, trying to just work with what I got, but this simple number from Target maternity was a good choice. Side-ruching in maternity clothes makes a big difference. My bump was supported & black always feels slimming. I added pops of color with my silk Saludos but my swollen feet weren’t digging them midday.
Day 2 This was a great outfit for a cold rainy day at home. It was a last-second add borrowed from a fellow Mama. I love this cooler green neutral for Spring by way of succulents & eucalyptus stems but never thought to incorporate it into my wardrobe. Love the new hue discovery!
Day 3 My banana suit! This was a 3 am purchase I don’t recall making but I was deadset on having matching loungewear for this final trimester. There are many things about being pregnant that are disorienting. The least I can do is pretend I have my shit together when wearing this set. Normally I choose the neutral version of anything but I intentionally chose bright lemon-lime. A mood booster for sure.
Day 4 I’ve had this dress for 4 years. It was difficult near the end to wear anything with a waistband so this empire waist was a dream for comfort. Adding the denim jacket layer kept me warm for a chilly day and the florals brightened my spirits. Getting ready has been a big challenge this round, especially after nights where baby girl is doing her womb gymnastics. Braiding my hair made it easy to be ready for the next day though, a twofer. Did I just come up with a good Mama trick?!
Day 5 – MVP This sweatshirt-skirt combo is my favorite look. I love the neon-deep green combo and how comfy it was to wear all day. To make a skirt work as an athleisure style was a fun discovery I’ve never tried before but will definitely be turning to more often. Everything is soft and laidback. It’s all about comfort for my skin & sore hips right now.
Sweatshirt | Skirt | Tennies
Day 6 Super chill for a Saturday morning walk. I switched out my denim jacket for a rain jacket due to the weather. It grounded this outfit more than the denim could. I can’t get enough of my Saucony Jazz originals for my poor feet. We started our virtual birthing class which was eye-opening, to say the least. I was lazy the rest of the day — watched The Mary Tyler Moore Show from bed & ate everything in the fridge.
Shirt | Sweatpants | Tennies
Day 7 Sunny and 60º Sunday. I laid out in the backyard in my sundress. The sun felt so good on my skin. I had a renewed hope about our little one, getting on the water this summer, this lake life we live. I didn’t want it to end. Added some accessories and curls in a high pony to take videos of opening gifts from friends in the nursery to send to them as a thank you. I love everything about this dress except the fabric is very itchy on my sensitive skin. Not great for napping but great for everything else.
Day 8 Hardest day to get ready. I pushed it too hard the day before so I was out of it most of the day. Luckily I didn’t have to think much with my go-to maternity dress. I was inspired by the other ladies doing this challenge to add a headscarf. Yellow is finding her way back to me & breaking my neutral ways. I loved the hue in college. Yellow makes me feel like myself and less of who people expect me to be.
Day 9 – LVP Sunny & warm enough to wear my Chacos without socks. I like the skirt & jacket in this look but I don’t like the graphic tee. I’d like it better if it had fitted ruching instead of flaring out at the bottom. My belly already makes me feel wide & the flare accentuates that instead of enhancing. At this point, I was over the challenge. I wasn’t sleeping well & the discomfort was increasing big time. Oh well, going to finish strong!
Day 10 Floral maxi with a sweater for warmth. Spring sure does come slowly in Michigan. I added a blush floppy hat and dreamed of all the places we want to take baby girl when she arrives & when quarantine is over. I’m sure it won’t be as dreamy as I imagine to travel with a newborn but it’s worth letting yourself be optimistic & look forward to things. Especially when you see cold rain out your window. It was a great end of challenge look — comfy with a silver lining.
I love this 10x10 exercise but next round I want to try something else. The formula is getting tired. I’ve seen fun ones on Instagram like #May30x30, #GraphicQuarantees, & #notbuyingnew but they’re all sustainability-related.
That’s awesome, of course, but I’m happy with how & why I purchase these days thanks to a few years of habit changes. I’m more concerned with style in the sense of positive body image & contentment. I’m craving a lightness & organic approach to the whole thing. Especially with so many physical changes that pregnancy & postpartum bring. It gets to a point where you just want to be happy & flow, not count costs per wear & all the other crazy documenting I used to do. Call off the search & just be.
All that to say, we’ll see about a Summer 10x10. I’ll probably be in the throughs of new mamahood and I have no clue what to expect. I always feel better when I dedicate time to myself though. Look good, feel good, do good!
The 10x10 challenge originated from Lee Vosburgh of Style Bee.
Spring Denim
Taking the weekend, letting the weekend give to you. It isn't meant to be rushed through but rather to be savored. I'm hoping mine looks like a slow morning, coffee in hand, catching up on our week together yet apart.
Some music, a rhythm to a project here and there. Or maybe to change out my winter garments to spring (alas). Most definitely a walk to the lake. With ice cream. And Tiger. As if he'd have it any other way. And rest. Plenty of rest.
Winter life is hard. It always is yet always surprising just how difficult when you're in it. I've said it many times before; a Northern winter is not for the faint of heart. It will test your physical, mental, and spiritual well-being. Right when you think you are through there's another week of cold in the air you must push through.
So, taking weekend is a good place to start, yes? Little by little. Hour by hour. Rest when you need it. Move around and bask in the sun when you don't. It will be beautiful because it's what you've made of it.
Outfit details
White tee (similar)
Bell bottoms (similar)
Photos by Leigh Ann Cobb
April | Life Lately
Life lately in tune with the monthly full moon cycle. Includes current books, music, & lifestyle recommendations.
Happy April Full Moon! This is the first full moon of Spring 2020. A sign of hope, yes? I imagine our days are looking pretty similar to one another right now. A lot of nothing bookended by a range of emotions from one moment to the next. Today I choose hope because the candle is lit, it’s an early Spring morning after a fresh rainfall, & the coffee is warm.
Nursery | We’re getting the nursery ready for baby girl. My parents gifted us with a beautiful bassinet that Joel set up this weekend. It’s feeling very real now! That and her kicks & pokes that get stronger by the day. I don’t know if I’m in “nesting mode” but an urgent need to ensure we have the basics in time for her arrival is at an all-time high. We’ve ordered large furniture items through Wayfair, Joel’s giving the room a fresh coat of paint, & I’ve been getting the items together that family & friends have sent. We had to cancel both family’s showers so it’s felt extra special to receive registry gifts from our loved ones & everyone who has offered words of wisdom & newborn items to borrow that are hard to find in stores right now. Their words of encouragement & support keep us going on especially hard days.
Indoor Style | A good distraction for me has been #indoorstyle, a daily prompt by stylist Grace Kelly. From mixing patterns to Wes Anderson-inspired attire, I look forward to getting dressed around the theme she announces each day. It’s made me realize how serious I’ve become with my wardrobe, a direct reflection of how serious of a person I’ve become. How little I’ve laughed, played, or been extravagant for the hell of it. I’m so grateful this little challenge brought me back to creating for fun. I have a feeling my costume box is about to grow exponentially.
WFH | I have the studio & Joel has the kitchen. Sans pandemic, working from home is normal to me. I’ve fine-tuned my habits since freelancing over the years. What’s been most challenging is keeping a strong & healthy mindset; pregnant, my partner home, & away from my team who I’m rather new to. I absorb collective feelings so setting digital boundaries are crucial for my mental wellbeing. I love the newfound connection & kindness it’s brought to my circle though. I made some WFH Wallpapers for Chaco if you’d like to brighten up your desktop, download here.
Currently
Reading | Expecting Better by Emily Oster
Listening | Won’t He Do It by Koryn Hawthorne ft. Roshon Fegan, thanks to DJ E’s weekly gospel hour
Watching | IRIS the Iris Apfel documentary
There isn’t really anything different I can say that hasn’t already been said or felt. I keep wanting to help through my writing but I just don’t think it’s possible right now. I’m the one who wants help, consoling, encouragement. Which is selfish because don’t we all? Each of us has a personal story about how this pandemic is affecting our lives. It’s hard to say, “me too” when you’re so fearful all you can think about is yourself.
I wouldn’t be as anxious or fearful about this pandemic if I wasn’t pregnant. I’d probably play looser with the stay-at-home orders to ensure we had toilet paper or interact with family more. I’d definitely be playing zoom drinking games to numb out of this mess if only for a few hours. But I’m really just petrified for the safety of our little girl who I’m 100% responsible for right now. I feel trapped at home yet completely exposed for the few trips I need to take to the doctors to ensure she’s doing ok.
There is literally nothing I can do but have faith, which has to be the biggest challenge of all. I used to be a more faithful & hopeful person but I lost it somewhere. Probably in all the controlling & carrying the perceived weight of my world. I haven’t seen the moon since she was last full in March. The skies have been too gray. Hopefully, she’ll show this week. Remind us all that we’re human. That there is light in the deepest dark. That the deepest dark is actually the only time you can see the brightest light. You can see all full moon posts here.
Happy Full Moon, friends! xo, Em
Sunday Linen 02: Rebuilding
Yesterday was going to be your baby shower, little one. A celebration of you beneath the April Pink Moon, the only shade of pink you need if you ask me. It couldn’t happen as planned but your Dad & I dressed up for you anyway.
We took you to the water where, a few years ago, we promised one another our hearts in front of those closest to us (you’ll meet them all soon). Our hearts fell when we saw the land was razed, unrecognizable as the place we once stood. Holding hands, facing the world together.
They were rebuilding the dune to save it from caving in. This will be good for the dune in the long run but we caught it in the in-between moment where you can’t tell if you’re witnessing destruction or rebirth.
Your parents are rebuilding too, little one. Reinforcing the foundation so you have solid ground to stand on when you get here. We don’t know what we’re doing really. We look around & the changes are overwhelming. It’s not how we remembered it to be.
But we held you, in our Sunday best, making promises by the water like the ones that started this family those few Harvest Moons ago.
Holding hands, facing the world together.
Silly Fantastical Dream World
I am wired to work.
Self-discovery bubbles up quickly in solitude. I’m comfortable in this space due to working from home frequently in my career but the discovery of self is discomforting regardless of practiced habit. Especially when what you’ve discovered is no longer serving you.
Pandemic or not, pregnancy or not, my default in both crises or a silent moment is to do something.
“How beautiful is it to do nothing, and then to rest afterward.”
Is it surprising this proverb originates in Spain, or anywhere else but the States? An American is incapable of expressing a sentiment such as this, they don’t have the experience to speak to it. Doing nothing is a betrayal of identity. We’ve been on a schedule since conception. To then rest after the nonexistent occasion of doing nothing? Incomprehensible. The progress and profits we would lose. It’s a silly fantastical dream world that should be quickly breezed over before we let it hit too close to home.
This is exactly the kind of world — do nothing, rest afterward — that will save us.
Spring Equinox
“Nature makes its own concordances as a mere outgrowth to its movement; it is we who see structure and give names to pattern.”
Beginning my third trimester on the first day of Spring calls for a celebration, yes? The rain is falling as lake gusts howl, bringing in the season I’ve longed for since Autumn.
Motherhood — a sacred, messy, humanizing time. I’ve plunged to the depths of a world I’m not sure I’m properly equipped for. I lack an explanation for the topside world on my current location, even to my nearest & dearest. I am different than I was yesterday. I will be different again tomorrow.
It’s scary to be compassionate amongst uncertainty but softness is strength. We hurt, then we heal. Unfolding is the ultimate sign of faith that all will be okay amidst unknown outcomes. My fears exhaust me and they’re contagious. Fear breeds fear. The last thing I want my little girl to be before she even enters the world is fearful of it. She needs me to provide on all levels. Fear is not genetic but my energy is felt in the womb. How is it not? My womb is me. She must feel what I give to her as I feel what she gives to me; late-night kicks, provisional demands, an unconditional purpose.
What do I do in times like these?
First: cocoon. The required stage before a blossom of wings. A cocoon’s exterior appears to be resting but its inner workings are anything but solitary. The beauty forthcoming cannot exist without this sacred season. As with all things, there is a natural time limit. We cannot stay in this protected & comfortable home forever.
And so, second: emerge. The butterfly does not fly instantly from her chrysalis. She first must pump fluids into the veins of her wings. An effort is required to unfold before we can celebrate flight. We know what comes next, we are antsy for what we see on the horizon.
Third: fly. We are not here yet, you & me, a mere season away. The makeup of Us intertwined a while longer. A most awkward stage in-between emerging and flight, the hardest for your Momma to endure. Hurry up, but wait. I hold on despite my unknowing. Trust.
Catalyst to your chrysalis, little butterfly. Wings are coming soon.
March | Life Lately
Life lately in tune with the monthly full moon cycle. Includes current books, music, & lifestyle links.
Happy March Full Moon! It’s a supermoon and the end of Mercury Retrograde, halleloo. These past few weeks have been especially tough. I’m not one to blame shitty days on planets but damn. There is a lot to feel heavy about right now which is even more crucial of a time to dig deep & rekindle faith that everything is going to be ok. I haven’t been able to do that for myself lately. I’m grateful for my circle who has been lifting me up, supporting, & encouraging me at a time I need it most. I’ve never needed it as much as I do right now. It’s life-giving to feel held as I have been. Seeing the moon high in a clear sky last night was the hope I needed that Spring will be here soon. Once the Worm Moon comes ‘round, Spring isn’t far behind!
A day with the butterflies | After what has to be the toughest February in a long time, Joel & I had a little date day at Frederik Meijer Gardens. It was the first day of the butterflies & the last day of the womb exhibit, a lovely overlap. I had plans to do a photoshoot here & have everything aligned just so. Then I was out for 2 weeks with sciatic back pain followed by a week of the flu. I had to cancel all plans & contact with others just to get by. Then I found myself watching the butterflies float around me on a sunny Saturday on leap day, after walking through The Womb I thought I’d miss. It was a powerful lesson — I have no control, & I enjoy life a lot more when I stop trying to curate it all just so.
Spring Cleaning | Poor Tiger hates when his Mom removes everything from the cupboards to organize! This winter has been harder than most. I’m very ready for the change of seasons. I want the Moon Lodge to feel refreshed and ready for what’s next. We took a recent weekend to go through all our stuff; put it in piles of alike things, keep what holds meaning & get rid of the rest. We’re halfway there and I already feel lighter! Tiger’s not-so-patiently waiting for his living room back.
International Women’s Day | I have a little sidekick with me for IWD2020! In the last couple of years, I’ve put a lot of energy into holding space for creative women in my local community I admire on this special day. This year I was happy to keep that energy inward for our little girl we’re expecting this Summer. I’m starting to understand there are seasons for giving outward, and seasons for giving inward. This season is within completely. I didn’t know how much I needed it until now. We had breakfast at our favorite place talking about dreams, projects, and each other that only slow Sundays can bring out in you. I think my brother said it best when he said, “It’s like you’re 2 women in 1 right now!”
Currently
Reading | Last of the Amazons by Steven Pressfield
Listening | Legendary Women of Country playlist
Watching | Grace & Frankie, love this show so much!
To be very honest, I don’t feel like myself lately. What used to fill me up isn’t doing it right now. Things I attached so deeply to my identity I’m no longer identifying with. It’s making for a lot of chaos, inner turmoil, and plenty of tears. In 2020 I’ll be 30 years old and a first-time mother — feeling reflective, nostalgic, physical discomfort, joyful, & like I’m being let in on a sacred secret of life I’ve never known before. It’s a fucking wild ride & it’s shifting everything I’ve ever known. It’s making me wonder if having a public space like this blog to explore my unfolding as I go is really the healthiest thing for me. Who wants to look back on their 20’s and see all the vulnerabilities they were trying to work out when you don’t feel like that girl anymore? What used to make me proud now makes me feel exposed. I don’t know if this means it’s time to hang my hat on self-publishing in this format or if I just need to give myself space during this season of inward & see what answer comes to me. One thing is for certain, the more I look to Grandmother Moon, the more I trust in her guidance to know what’s right for me. You can see all full moon posts here.
Happy Full Moon, friends! xo, Em
Sunday Linen 01: Cabin Fever
It was a cabin fever weekend if I ever saw one. We barely set foot outside as the snow fell heavy. Only caught the cool air when I let Tiger outside, then inside, outside again. Our days are defined by the times we let the dog in & out. Or in this weekend’s case the pace at which Joel switched the laundry from washer to dryer, the dirty dishes from the sink to dishwasher, cookies in the oven until the timer dinged.
Let the candle burn all day until she let her own flame out.
I tussled at length with my weekday mindset. Always worth the fight to keep your true nature in check. It’s harder now to do so though. My self is no longer the only priority. This little one demanding space in my swollen belly has something to say now too. I take pride in my intuition, that gut feeling. Is it harder to hear because it’s full of hope & heartbeat?
The signals are getting crossed, enough to knock me off balance by the hour. Enough to know half a dozen cookies will satisfy me, the apple should satisfy experts defining what makes a good mom — I have both so her & I will be happy. It’s not logic, it’s what gets me to the next meal. The next big decision.
I look at my shape in the mirror as I walk past, glimpse the little home holding her tight until she’s ready to meet me. I smile, finally. Looks like my gut has it under control. Doesn’t need my mind to worry one bit. The process is in motion. I can either get on board or miss out on this entire season completely.
I’m not one to forfeit a good time.
February | Life Lately
Life lately in tune with the monthly full moon cycle. Includes current books, music, & lifestyle links.
Happy February Full Moon! Aptly named the Snow Moon. This full moon is in Leo which I always enjoy a little extra. February’s full moon poem is from Mary Oliver’s book of poems Twelve Moons. As if there wasn’t enough reason to love Mary Oliver, I only just discovered this book of hers after I found her poem in her fuller book of poems Devotions. She wrote a poem for 12 moons, and phases in between, in tune with the Algonquin peoples naming for moons. The very same symbolism that inspired me 3 years ago.
Papa’s 70th Birthday | We surprised my Papa at his favorite Mexican restaurant recently. It was such a nice afternoon with a lot of family I haven’t seen in a while. My coworkers were surprised that my grandpa is so young. My grandma was only 39 years old when she became my grandma. I forget how young my family is in the context of others but it made me extra grateful as I looked around at all of us. It might also explain why my Papa loved his Doobie Brothers tickets we got him!
Soul Sister Studio visit | My mom purchased studio space in my hometown. This dream of hers has been 10 years in the making (maybe her entire life in the making?). I finally got to spend a weekend at her studio where she’s getting it all ready. She is TOTALLY in her element. My childhood was crafting & making projects with her & my brother. To see her bring the same teaching & safe space to others in her community brings me tears of joy & pride. Joel and my dad built her custom workbenches for her workshop students & I finally got the tater tot waffles I’ve been pining for since Christmas. It was such a wonderful weekend.
Designer at Chaco | It’s a boring time of the year for us so other than the few family trips our days have been slow & uneventful. The Winter season is my favorite time to work because it keeps my mind focused on progress instead of being ornery about the weather. I’ve been on the Chaco team for about a month & the work is keeping me busy! I’ve been putting on my new headphones (thanks Mom & Dad!), rocking out, & making all the things that come my way. This is the first time I’ve had 2 huge display screens to create with so I’m in designer heaven! Oh, & my shoe selection has increased ten-fold already.
Currently
Reading | The Giver of Stars by Jojo Moyes
Listening | Coloring Book by Chance the Rapper (never gets old!)
Thinking | About Miss Americana, the Netflix documentary about Taylor Swift. I relate to her need for approval & how she’s had to dismantle that belief system for her well-being. Being the nice girl & never speaking up didn’t stop people from hating her or trying to diminish her hard work. There will always be people who want to copy, belittle, or demean you. Those aren’t your people & you can’t let them silence you.
February is my least favorite month, March is a close second. Cabin fever sets in hard & I start to crave the warmth of Summer. Michigan friends make up most of my readership — you all can probably relate to this cabin fever?! — so it’s odd that Texas readership has increased so much on my blog more than any other location (even Michigan!) over the last few months. The analytics show views 10-20 times/day from the same IP address which I’ve never seen here before. I definitely don’t post enough for anyone to be here reading every day but I appreciate the loyalty! You can see all full moon posts here.
Happy Full Moon, friends! xo, Em
Winter 10×10: Maternity Edition
My Winter 10x10 is a bit fuller this year. The pace of 10 days, 10 items, 10 looks is a good framework during this fleeting season of pregnancy. It was also a great way to discover my maternity style. When I started the challenge I was like, why aren’t there any 10x10 maternity styles?! I double-checked on Pinterest & Instagram and nothing. No one, in all of the internets, has documented a 10x10 maternity edition…until now!
I was on day 5 when I had extreme sciatic back pain followed by a week of influenza flu. I quickly understood why mamas-to-be don’t do shit like this while expecting. Your body undergoes so many changes from week to week. Planning anything too far in advance is too high of an expectation to set when pregnant.
But I powered through by pure spite & accountability to complete the first 10x10 Maternity Edition on record. If someone has done it, please let me know! I’d love to hear how it went for you.
Considerations
Pregnancy Hormones | Need pieces that easily layer to account for fluctuating body temperature
Weather | Mid-February temps are in the high 20’s with lake effect snow. I’m not including shoes, hats, or outerwear in my count. Michigan weather you need to be prepared for a range of weather, often on an hourly basis.
Office Environment | I don’t have any events but I’ll be in an office most days which isn’t something I’ve had to consider in the past. I work in a laidback environment with our brand being outdoor enthusiasts but I don’t want to wear an item on back-to-back days.
Goal
I want to feel confident in my bump by the end of this challenge. The state of my closet was the last thing on my mind when we found out our life flipped upside down, rightfully so. But my past style no longer fits, literally & figuratively. Getting ready has been frustrating with my new shape. I’m definitely grateful, humbled, & so excited to be carrying our little one. It’s easier to celebrate when I’m not feeling frumpy though.
10 items
Tops
Vanilla sweater (Burton)
Olive babydoll blouse (Pink Blush Maternity)
Black basic 3/4 length tee (Pink Blush Maternity)
White graphic tee (ASOS Maternity)
Bottoms
Black joggers (H&M Maternity)
Ochre chinos (ASOS Maternity)
Denim (Target Maternity - similar)
Olive joggers (Under Armour - similar)
Extra
Black ribbed midi dress (Target - similar)
Patterned fleece vest (The North Face)
Day 1 I love this babydoll top. At first, I thought it counterproductive to get a looser top thinking it’d make me look bigger. But the tiered look & ruching made me feel the most feminine out of all of the outfits. I should be able to wear it for the rest of my pregnancy too, unlike some earlier maternity tees I’ve already grown out of (5 months currently). Also a fan of these Target maternity jeans with crossover panel. This outfit made me feel like I was wearing a regular outfit which was nice after all my first-trimester style struggles.
Day 2 I loved this athleisure look and the color combination of blush, dark green, and vanilla tones. I’ve had these Under Armour joggers for years. This is the first time I’ve worn them in a work setting. Funny enough these joggers received the most compliments in a corporate setting, further proving the informal & athleisure trend is really hitting everywhere.
Day 3 – MVP I felt very Parisian leisure in this look. Probably not a thing, & nothing the Parisians would accept as “fashion” but I like it. This look was a good mix of comfort yet feeling put together enough for a day of meetings. Another jogger win with these maternity ones from H&M. I liked the mismatching patterns between my shoes & bandana too. Same color family, different pattern. I definitely want to do this more for the Spring!
Blouse | Joggers | Bandana | Keds Platform Sneaker (similar)
Day 4 The first day I wore my wild card vest from The North Face. I never valued the point of a vest until now. It seemed silly to keep your core warm while your arms are bare in the elements. Now I’m hot all the time, to the point that I’m not wearing a winter jacket in 32ºF weather, so I’m fond of vests now. Played with neutral patterns again & really liking the more playful aspect. My team inspires me — they pattern mix & play with fun colors all the time. I’m slowly breaking out of my neutral & basics shell, VERY slowly. These ochre chinos were an immediate fave from ASOS maternity. They don’t have a crossover panel which I prefer. Let the belly breathe!
Top | Vest | Chinos | Cabin Fever Ballcap | Fields Chelsea Boot
Day 5 A simple mix of items from the first half of the looks. The vest looks totally different in this look from Day 4. I love its versatility and how soft it is. This was a good Friday outfit at the office where I was moving a lot of things around to get a retail display ready for an upcoming Spring product launch. It was also the day my sciatic nerve pain was at its peak & I was completely miserable. Despite all the misery, I’m pleasantly surprised how not intimidating this challenge is anymore. I used to freak at the halfway point with how I’d manage to style for part 2 but no longer.
Day 6 It was still freezing by the weekend but I started enjoying the perks of my hotter pregnancy temps — fewer layers! It was Valentine’s weekend so I wanted to dress up a bit even though my back was on fire & we were going to a casual restaurant with some friends. I ultimately punked out & wore other items from the challenge for dinner but love this look. Super easy to piece together & I’ll be wearing again definitely.
Day 7 – LVP Bleh! I abhor this outfit. Maybe I was agitated by the continued back pain that wouldn’t let up, or that nothing in life seemed to be “working” this day but I hate this outfit. This top with these chinos just wasn’t it and matching the color of my blouse with my shoes felt weird too in this case. I maybe looked better than I felt but this outfit will never be on repeat again. lol.
Day 8 This is now my go-to lounge outfit for the rest of the winter. I love it. Think my hair & makeup done make it look cuter. This was day 1 of isolation due to catching the influenza flu. We were in triage the night before until midnight which was emotionally draining in addition to the flu symptoms I’d already been trying to fight for a few days. Probably why Day 7 look felt so shitty. I’m actually surprised I even continued to do the challenge with how miserable & scared I felt. I’m not one to quit.
Day 9 Still had the flu, no clue how I managed to put looks together. The athleisure look was perfect for my physical therapy appointment and laying on the couch, heading into a weekend of the flu that was the worst week of my life. Ballcaps & beanies were a go-to throughout the entire challenge. It made the casual looks put together but different enough from day-to-day.
Day 10 This black midi dress is the MVP. I’ve worn it since early on in my pregnancy and it just keeps working with my growing bump. I love that its long sleeve with a mock-neck and lightweight cotton. I dressed it down for work with a beanie, sneakers, and my moon crescent necklace after recovering from the flu. It made me realize that transitioning from pants to dresses for the Spring is probably my best bet for comfort.
There it is, the first 10x10 maternity edition to grace the internet. I actually only used 9 items in 10 days because I forgot about an item. I didn’t wear the white graphic tee! I realized on the last day which proves how much easier this challenge gets after having a few under your belt. I thought I’d need more items for pregnancy discomfort or emotions but apparently not.
It also showed me maternity style can be functional, comfortable, & stylish amidst weekly intense changes. It’s inspired me to do a Spring 10x10 Maternity Edition if I’m feeling up to it. Keep a lookout!
The 10x10 challenge originated from Lee Vosburgh of Style Bee.
I miss Brave Girl
I miss my old blog, Brave Girl. What she stood for, the simplicity of it all. Maybe what I miss more is that season of my life. In my early 20’s where all of this felt fresh & exciting. My future was a blank canvas. I set out to build something all my own I could be proud of. That others would come to & admire, feel less alone, or connect with a like-minded human. I had a passionate fervor toward creating & expressing myself wholeheartedly. It’s all I focused on & it was all under my altar-ego, Brave Girl. I reaped a lot of rewards & successes because of it, something I care deeply about.
And then the very thing that drove me to explore my inner workings, to say them aloud, is the very thing that made me clam up & not love it anymore. It’s the challenge of any journey. It’s why I like the beginnings best. The middle & end can be melancholy or change like a kaleidoscope. Suddenly you look up after staring down for so long & you don’t recognize what’s in front of you. It’s a completely different shape than the one you were trying to make (maybe the one you need, not the one you want).
A conversation with my mom years ago; I came home exasperated after some social event,
“Mom, I’m not that kind of girl.”
“It’s funny how we become the girl we said we’d never be,” she replied.
I never set out to share a filtered life, or to be on-trend, or to grow a following based on shallow pretenses. I became exactly what I said I would never be. I suppose it’s a good time to rebuild then. To pull that kaleidoscope back out, watch how the shapes change.
Image credit: Poem by Tess Guinery, an excerpt from her book The Moonflower Monologues